Bruised Ego

Today, I walked into the building I have class in and saw the guy I was hooking up with/kinda dating from last semester. We hadn't talked since the last day of school. We made eye contact and I said hey. He just nodded... He fucking nodded. We spent whole weekends together, talked every day and I can't even getting a fucking "hello, how have you been?" Strangers on the street greet me warmer than he did. I don't have any feelings for him or even want things to go back to the way they were, but I guess I want him to want that. Then of course the whole day went to shit. I was doing so well, all I had was coffee. Then I started feeling self conscious and ugly and fat and then the binge. On a happier note, he let his hair grow long (like to his shoulders) and he had some weird mustache/5 o'clock shadow going on. He wasn't looking too good. Is it bad that I got pleasure out of him looking like shit?

I would give a weight update but the numbers too gross for me to even type.

Starting tomorrow I'm doing the ABC diet. I'm excited! I think it will be good for me, I do good with structure. If you want to join me, leave a comment and we can text each other for support (or email, or talk on here if your not comfortable with texting).

Thursday I'm dropping my mac off at the apple store so they can fix my trackpad...I have so many thinspo pics and food diaries on here it scares me leaving it with them. Like when I pick it up they'll know my secret...anyways I'm going to plan out my food for tomorrow.

Have a good night girlies!

Live Your Life and Stay Young on the Floor

I'm 158 right now. I hit a plateau and can't seem to lose more than .2lbs even when I work out....so frustrating. 

I had a horrible weekend. I stayed home and studied/ watched tv/ worked out/slept the whole time. My roomie had her friends over and I would normally go hangout with them, but I'm still not over the incident last week. 

Anyways, to try to get over this plateau I'm going to try to stay under 150 cals for a couple days and see how that goes...I'm also not having regular BMs (sorry guys) so I might go buy some laxatives and see if that helps move things along.

Planned intake for today:

B: 2 diet pills and yogurt- 70

    Iced coffee- 20

L: diet pill- 0

D: yogurt- 60

Total: 150 cals

 what do you girls do to help when you hit a plateau?

We're Dancin' Like We're Dumb, Dumb, D-D-Dumb

First, I want to say thanks for following! I have never told anybody about my ed so it's wonderful to read your comments and know there are people out there that understand.


This is going to be short and sweet. i'm exhausted. I've been in class all day and I have a ton of readings to do for tomorrow.


Weighed in at 158.8 lb this morning. I'm roughly losing 2lbs a day, which is fantastic! I owe it all to OxyElite Pro, it's a God send! If things keep going this way, I'll be down to my lowest weight on Monday! *fingers crossed*


B: Oatmeal- 100
L: Fruit Cup- 100
D: Side Salad (no dressing)- 100
Total: 300 cals


Alright Ladies have a good night and stay motivated!

Light as a Feather

Don't Know Why I Care

I have known my roommate since highschool, and we have lived together for 2 years. She is my only "real" friend in this city. We have a class together and we were told to get in groups. (Keep in mind we are sitting next to each other) She goes to the guy siting in front of her (one of the smart kids) and says I'm in your group. Then turns to the girl sitting on the other side of her and says, "and she is too!" Then when I asked to be in there group they said they already had too many people (even though there was no limit to the number of people in the groups). Not once did she even make eye contact with me during the whole thing.

I feel betrayed. She's supposed to be my "best friend" and she completely shut me out of her group. Maybe I'm overreacting, but I feel completely alone here now. 

We haven't been very close the past couple of months because she goes and tells my personal/ embarrassing stories to her boyfriend and her other friends (when I tell her not to say anything). Then when I meet her friends they say, " I heard so much about you" and ask me about some story I told the roommate or her bf will make little jokes about guys I've hooked up with or stupid things I did drunk that I only told her about. Then I feel humiliated that complete strangers know personal things that I thought i was just telling my best friend. I asked her repeatedly not to tell others my personal business and she always says she won't and she always does. So I stopped talking to her about things I don't want the whole world to know. But this incident only motivates me more to lose weight. So I can go out and meet my own friends and not have to rely on her.

Enough of the rant

B: Oatmeal- 105

S: 1/2 Fruit cup- 50

L: 1/2 Fruit cup- 50

D: Oatmeal-105

Total-310

I weighed in at 160.2 today! Goal 1 is complete!! (I know I'm still .2 over but I'm giving it o myself!

Oh, Wanna Dance With Somebody/I Wanna Feel the Heat With Somebody

Today was the first day of class, and surprisingly I enjoyed it. Normally it would go a little something like this: walk into class sit in the back, avoiding eye contact of course, play with my phone/ipod until class starts, say nothing during class, and then get up and leave having said nada to anyone. Today, however, I decided I was going to be who I wanted to be. I made eye contact with people, sat in the front of the class (that tends to be where the more social people sit in my experience), and even made a joke in class and got some laughs. I felt like a normal human being. I don't think I mentioned yet but I have social anxiety, so group settings (i.e. class) brings out extreme anxiety. 

On the boy front, I gave out my number to a boy in my class, a group of very fit boys came over and talked to me, and 3 of them ended up walking me to class. I guess decided to be confident (or faking it til you make it) really shows to other people. Are groups of hot boys going to approach me everyday because I'm standing a little taller? I doubt it, but for some reason the planets were aligned today and I'm not complaining!

This morning I weighed in at 162.4.

B: Yogurt- 70

L: Fruit cup- 100 (?)

D: 1/2 Fruit cup- 50 (?)

Total: 220

*If I don't know the exact number of calories, I put the highest number that I think it could possibly be

Couple Thinspo

Gucci Gucci, Louis Louis, Fendi Fendi, Prada

Classes start tomorrow and I'm excited to have something to do..I know thats pretty sad. I have been going to the same University for 4 years and haven't met anyone I would consider a friend. I'm always by myself and normally at home with nothing to do. I pretend like I'm not at home on the weekends sometimes and won't come out of my room until I hear my roommate leave and then I'll make up some story about how me and "a friend" went to this bar or that club and had so much fun... My life is quite pathetic when you think about it. My goal for this semester is to step outside my comfort zone and stop being so self conscious about my body and own my opinions. This is going to be extremely difficult but I'm 22 years old and it's time to grow the fuck up and stop acting like a shy little 12 year old girl.

On the food front, I have been really good today. So far I had a yogurt for breakfast (70) and a coffee for lunch (30). Thats 100 calories and I'm planning on having another yogurt for dinner so that makes a grand total of 170 for the day!... yesterday I couldn't sleep at all. I would sleep for 2 hours, wake up and be wide awake, then fall asleep again out of boredom and wake up a few hours later. I hate when the insomnia kicks in.

My weight this morning was 164.6 I lost 3.4 lbs in one day! (it was probably water weight but I'm still taking it!)

This Has Got To Be The Good Life

Today I went back to school. My dad came with me and helped me move into my apartment. The whole process lasted from 6am until 3pm. The one thing I love about moving is there is so much to do and you want to finish as soon as possible so you skip the breaks for little things like food. 

Breakfast: 2 diet pills and a yogurt- 70 cals

Lunch: diet pill-                              0 cals

Dinner: yogurt-                            70 cals 

Total                                         140 cals

the only bump in the smooth ride of today was this morning I weighed 168

Two Words.

I Binged.

If I Die Young, Bury Me In Satin

I'm 22 years old and have had an EDNOS for as long as I can remember. I was playing with my dog today and looked down to see the fat bulging over the top of my shorts. I felt extremely disgusting and wanted to vomit. I look disgusting and it's time for me to do something about. I plan on breaking my fast/ binge cycle this time and get to my ideal weight (if one exists) and stay there for good.


Hopefully, this blog will hold me accountable for what I eat ( plan on saying what I ate daily) and a place to vent when needed instead of binging.